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Meeting JK for real

JK, Jezza, Jeremy, ‘Kyle’ (?) call him what you will but he knows his stuff. About people anyway, he’s not that great on Gods. The problem definitely is that they don’t follow ‘the rules’ of human nature. They sort of make them, if you know what i mean? They ARE the human rules –  so being a mass of contradictions and extreme emotions is normal life for them. I mean, what would drive humans bonkers is just another day at the office for the Gods. My Mum’s one but, to be honest, we don’t really talk about it. She’s not big on all that ego celeb stuff.

Anyway, we got a phone call, the reception isn’t brilliant in Tartarus but what can you do? I have an iPhone which i don’t really need but i can’t seem to do without these days. It’s funny that after you get these things you don’t know how you did without them isn’t it? Technoaddicticmindfuck, i call it.  There’s always something – look what happened when they discovered the wheel, i mean! Hades just won’t be bothered with a mobile. He says we all got along without phones perfectly well for eons and he just doesn’t see what good they do. It’s ok for him, though, what with all his messengers whizzing about the place.

So the people at ITV said we should get there the night before and stay in a hotel so we could get up early to have a briefing as to what to expect on the actual show. Hades said no, just tell us where and when and we’ll be there. And we were. I rather liked the idea of a hotel, it’s been quite a while since i have stayed in one and, of course, there isn’t one that can remotely compare to the divine palace on Mount Olympos. Oh my God that place is out of this world! (My little joke there :)).  Anyway, when we go there we have to stay in the guest quarters because Hades wouldn’t have his own bit built for it even though the rest of them have their own home within it.  Uncle V built most of it and what that guy can’t do with a hammer and anvil isn’t worth knowing. That husband of mine surely is a trial and no mistake.

the pic doesn’t do it justice, it’s just the most incredible place you could ever see

So JK calls us out onto the stage. Well, me first. I could see Hades on the monitor glowering as per. Jeremy was a pleasant chap, if i was married to him I’d sort his ‘look’ out  – more leather less polyester etc. He asked me what it was all about as in why was i there?  It’s hard to know where to start with that sort of sensitive topic isn’t it? you can’t just wade in with ‘well, Jeremy, I think my husband might be my uncle’ can you?  you have to just sort of get to it bit by bit.

Jeremy asked if I was ok and not to worry about the studio audience, and he complimented me on my white arms (which is sort of feature of mine and the correct thing to do).  I  wasn’t nervous to be honest, I live my life surrounded by all types so public speaking is about the only kind I do, but I  didn’t say so because he’s very sweet and I didn’t want to diss him or his show.

Well, it turns out Jez had done his homework, or his minions had,  so he  sort of knew the story. Seen it all before, I suppose, he didn’t seem very shocked anyway. So we went through the whys and wherefores of it and why my Mum wasn’t there (too busy), why no one had told me, what i would do if it was true etc. I said I’d have to stick by my husband but i wanted the Truth. Which is true in itself.

So Jez calls Hades out onstage. The audience is booing and jeering but somehow quietly(?). Hades isn’t happy with this or even being there, obviously, and looks even more macho and choleric than usual so it’s all a bit scary for them.  Jeremy wades right in with the ‘did you know any of this’ question?  Hades just stared at him in disbelief that a human would even dare look back at him let alone in the eyes. That Jeremy really must have some hidden powers or something to be quite so in yer face with my hubby, I must say.

In the end Hades said ‘ It was my will and my desire to possess Persephone! By the Gods,  you would do well to bide this warning’ and then banged his Scepter three times on the floor. Heavy shit….and Jeremy K laughed in his face!!!  Oh my god, I wanted to run there and then because Hades doesn’t often give warnings, he doesn’t need to. He is master of one-third of the world, after all, and – lets face it – not the prettiest third.

JK didn’t seem moved at all by the warning and proceeded to put Hades down a bit more by shouting ‘ You think I’m scared of YOU?  You sorry excuse for a man!  You couldn’t even get a proper girlfriend so you had to kidnap Persephone, didn’t you?  Force her to go out with you!’ and then shouted ‘What kind of man are you?!!’.  Right into Hades’ face!

Well, you could see that Hades just wasn’t having it but he didn’t go all fire and brimstone , which is what you’d expect, he did his Scariest Thing – which is when you know the object of his disdain is going to be a pile of ash before long. What he did was he fixed JK with a look and very slowly, decisively and coldly cursed him!! I wanted to scream at JK ‘run! run!’ but I was in complete shock and just couldn’t seem to move.

Next, JK just smirked – ohmygod! – and turned his back on Hades. You could see him listening to his ear thingy and obviously one of his producers had said something because he changed his tactic after that, saying ‘Look, Hades, I realise you are a powerful man, and I don’t want to make an enemy of you, it’s just how this show works. You have to admit what you did was wrong, you have to take responsibility for your actions, mate’. Blah blah. Hades relaxed ever so slightly.  Ohhh the relief! I nearly lost consciousness.

To cut a long story short, in the end Hades admitted he knew he was my uncle when he took me off and said it was because he couldn’t help himself, he had been smitten and not really thinking straight at the time and he was sorry he had just grabbed me but said you can’t change the past, that he did love me more than death itself, that it was mostly all because of his upbringing and that he would try to be a better deity in future.

But then he said he and my Mum had the same DAD….

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Jeremy Kyle

Hi Everyone!

I’m feeling a bit better now (I LOVE that Sixth Sense film, soooo funny!). But really I am feeling a lot better than last time although in another way I’m feeling a lot worse. I did text the JK show and they rang up almost straight away as I have an unusual story apparently. It might even be more unusual than that episode about the chaps that met and fell in love and went to meet the parents only to find out that they were half brothers. I don’t see what’s so unusual about that, quite frankly, compared to Hades family. He’s got kids coming out of his ears – a bit like his father – but then he can afford them so doesn’t need to put anything on the end of it. I know about all his affairs and the more the merrier, I say; at least it keeps him away from me.

See, I’m just thinking too much lately on this so called ‘family connection’ between us. I don’t know what to do. I mean leaving Hades isn’t an option, obviously. I think I might have to get my darling brother Hermes to entice a few nymphae down here to keep Hades occupied. It’s not a problem really he’s usually too gloomy to be bothered much but he has his moments so I might have to keep a few nymphs about the place. Anyway, it’ll be company won’t it?

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Travels in Tartarus

I do declare that Tartarus must be as far below earth as earth is from heaven. I said that to Hades although he just looks at me like I’m stupid or something, like everyone would know that anyway. O well, you learn something every day. I don’t believe that really, sometimes you relearn what you already knew but had forgotten but you wouldn’t know that and would think it was something new. Especially when you live in the dark, it messes with your head.

Well, the journey has been pretty chaotic and a bit of a trial. I never wanted to go but Hades wouldn’t leave me at home alone and I wouldn’t stay there alone if Cerby wasn’t there. Better journey to the pits of hell, that’s what I say. And so I did.

I don’t know if you’ve seen that film Troll Hunter but there’s some very odd-looking creatures inhabiting the great caverns inside the earth. I don’t want to scare you but I can’t wait for Spring quite frankly, after seeing them. We’ve also met up with a lot of Hades’s(?) relatives who are a foul lot all be told but then if they were pleasant, well-rounded folk they wouldn’t have been in that place, I suppose.

The first day was a bit of a shock but you get used to it which is a great shame really. Going to Tartarus is only enjoyed by sadists and chavs and those Jackass people. I mean, who’d want to watch a bunch of exhausted women trying to fill a stone pool with water and using sieves to carry the water? Forever. Not many laughs in that if you ask me.  There’s not much to tell but you might want to listen to Mervyn’s discussion of it, if you like that sort of thing. He doesn’t know the half of it but it makes me smile.

A Holiday Snap

This is on our way, Day 2. See what I mean? Not much to write home about but I thought you might be interested. There’s no dancing unless you are condemned to dance on hot coals forever which isn’t really fun is it? Not like dancing round the maypole on May day with the nymphai and faeries in the glorious sunshine with the blossoms wafting in the gentle wind and the birds singing.

It really is such a gloomy old place, I can’t tell you. It’s impossible to describe it. It’s sort of…hellish really. But in a cold way. And wet! The air is foggy, like walking about in a freezing cold sauna if you can imagine it. Clammy isn’t the word. But you also feel like you’re on fire at the same time. Talk about headfuck! So it’s really very depressing and you feel like you aren’t real, really dissociative stuff; like taking drugs really. Yes I’ve had my moments, I always was a bit wild and still am when I can get away from Hubby.

So no I haven’t enjoyed my holiday. We’ve only been back a few hours and I’m finding it hard to shake off the downer it puts you on even though Hades place is like paradise compared to the sights we’ve seen and places we’ve been. It’s really NOT like going to Camber Sands or Blackpool. It’s really not my idea of a holiday. Hades on the other hand seemed really very cheerful (for him) and had many meetings with his old cronies. I even heard him laugh once!

I’ve given you the idea now, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Best forgotten really. I think I’ll go and watch Harry Hill to cheer myself up.

Really.

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Cold as The Proverbial

Hello agin, it’s so cold here today, I think it must be snowing at Mother’s. It’s never as cold here as it is at hers but I bet it’s not far off it. brrrrr! I shouldn’t be surprised if the rivers don’t freeze over. It’s quite a dank place here, did I mention that before? It fair gets me down to be honest. Nothing is ever really dry and the washing has that stale water smell most of the time. ah well. At least we have water, I say, though I wish we lived a bit near Phlegethon – at least it’s warmer there.

O yes, last time I was about to go off to work with Hades. He’s so demanding but it is my duty as his wife, or so he insists. My actual  job title is ‘Her Most Formidable, Venerable and Majestic Queen Of The Shades’. I mean really! and Hades insists it is I “who carries into effect the curses of men upon the souls of the dead”. He should look us up on Wikipedia, that’d shut him up a bit. Anyway I went along as per and had to dole out some justice, I mean Justice: it’s always a difficult time for the bewildered and its worse when they’ve been out of order and you have to get mean with them. Some of them have just been utter bastards which is why they have to stay with Hades. He’s a hard taskmaster but if you behave he’s not so bad, really.

I think Hades got the worst deal really but I’m quite glad he didn’t get his half-brother’s bit of the realm. Poseidon likes water and it’s just as well, hey?! Though he gets to meet the strange and unusual things of the oceans, things none of us have ever seen before. And he’s got mermaids for friends. That must be rather magical, I should think.  The plus points are they’re both very rich, Poseidon gets the pickings of any shipwrecks or things dropped overboard and Hades mines are spilling over with gold and all that. The whole family are like billionaires or something but it doesn’t really interest me much, as long as I get food and clothing I’m happy.  Nature is my bounty, I reckon. Hades says I’m a space pixie when I talk like that. But f-you, Hades you C***. oops…

Maybe you can tell, Hades has been going on at me of late. He says I am too extreme in my nature and need to get a bit of balance. I admit I can be a bit up and down and I do get fed up with living in the dark most of the time with him. He’s not exactly Mr Entertainment is he? You can’t get a word out of him for months sometimes then he’s all sunshine and flowers… well he’s not exactly The Elysium when he’s in a good mood  but you wouldn’t recognise the silent and difficult man I know (and love). It’s hard to stay positive and sometimes I just want to throw people into the pits of fire or torture them nastily when Hades gets on my case but I try to remain as spiritual as possible. I don’t think I could live with myself if I became as unpitying as he can be at times. The old fart that he is. I wish people saw his more playful side but it’s as rare as hens teeth and that’s not an exaggeration.

I know this probably isn’t the place to mention it but Mum said something about him being her brother! That would make him my uncle but I can’t believe it. I’ve asked him but he doesn’t say much about it. If he turns out to be my uncle then it’s definitely over. I’ve texted The Jeremy Kyle Show so hopefully we can get on that and get a DNA test. Sick isn’t it? and not in a good way either.

We are off on a trip in the next few days, to Tartarus. yuk! I don’t like that place it’s even more gloomy than here and it has a really bad BAD vibe. I don’t know what this Erebus business is but I don’t like the sound of it. Anyway, I’ll keep you posted as our journey progresses. It’s going to take a week or two to get there, by horse-drawn cart no less. Lucky me!

Well I have to say sorry but I can’t seem to concentrate today. It’s just so cold, my fingers find it hard to type but I said I’d be back and Hi Mum! Hope to read your blog soon, it’s a good way to keep in touch as Hades won’t let me have messenger but he doesn’t understand blogs. phew! Won’t be long now Mum, just a few months till spring and I’ll be back to help with the planting and mowing. Ok?

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Cleaning Hell

This will be a short communication as I am very very tired today. I took advice from Dotty Headbanger’s blog and followed it thoroughly. Apart from the Mormons, we don’t get a lot of those in this part of the world for some reason. And I don’t know what Asda is or Flash wipes. Also I have to use ammonia instead of bleach as I don’t know what bleach is but it sounds similar. Hades isn’t happy but what can you do? It’s not my fault the place gets so disgusting is it? The other problem is I have to use river water as we don’t have mains here. Its pretty gloopy stuff and boiling doesn’t help much it just sterilises the gloop. I spent all day shooing (shoo-ing?) out the shuffling idiots that seem to wander into my front room all the time. They just appear as if from nowhere and always seem very confused. Hades seems to think it’s normal for heavens sakes! Anyway, by the time I’d got the dog in his kennel, shoo-ed the bewildered and put the furniture upright I was already tired. And now I am completely exhausted. I have to go to Hades workplace tomorrow and ‘mete out justice’ (whatever that is), apparently. That’s all I need – he can’t even do his own job without my help. I’m starting to wonder if he’s codependent or something? He definitely has issues.

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My chthonic Life

Well. today I’ve been thinking back on my life before I met Hades and thought I’d share a few memories with you.

Its been a long time since I was a single girl, just wafting about in my lovely robes or running through the fields of corn with my sheaf and loving the deer and just being FREE!  I do love nature and have lived as a tree even! A free tree even. Oh sometimes language is so funny isn’t it?

You probably won’t believe that about being a tree but I did it. For about a year as well, I was just a tree standing by a beautiful glade with all the other trees. It was so funny that no one knew (well, apart from my Mum – I did go home for dinner, obviously) and being a tree gives a different perspective on life, i can tell you. You’d have to do it to understand really.

Mostly I ran a bit wild and used to go off for days just communing with nature. O yes, I’m a nature girl really. I love it. I can’t get enough of it. I didn’t need pets – all living creatures were my pets and I made a few up too but I can’t say which ones, not with the Spanish Inquisition and all that. The creatures of the woodlands and meadows used to follow me about. It’s just a thing I have really, I just have that effect on animals. They just seem to like me for some reason. I’m not complaining as they are so sweet; all the little birds and that. Its like totally cool.

I had quite a few admirers in those days too but I was quite shy and used to run off into the woods when I saw them coming up the path. My mum always used to warn me and say once you’re a wife you’re a slave, Persephone; don’t let a man tie you down, Persephone. Lots of stuff like that. She was a bit cynical about men really but having Zeus for a husband would drive any woman to distraction (There’s some sort of hazy connection there too but she’s never told me if they are cousins or something). I mean, I love my Dad but he just can’t stay faithful to one woman. Anyway, I digress. Lets just say that I always dreamed of finding the right man for me, a nature boy perhaps or someone I could look up like he was a God. I mean Hades is a God alright but not really what I had in mind.

And so those days were the golden days of youth, carefree and it always seemed to be summer. The earth overflowing with abundance. Wherever I went there was food to eat just growing, bees brought me sweet nectar and the streams were crystal clear. Not like these days. Oh! it truly was paradise! But, of course it all came to an end and it was a sudden ending at that. One minute I was just a shy flower girl and the next…I mean I had to grow up fast and face a lot of life I’d never even heard about. It was a bit of a shock to say the least.

So I’ll tell you what happened. It was like this. I was out one day with my bezzies, Athena and Artemis. We’d had an alfresco lunch and we were  just wandering about picking daisies and talking about stuff, like you do and suddenly this terrible noise happened and we all though Uh oh somethings going on here and tried to run away but Hades appeared. I knew of him, I mean who didn’t? and I knew  he had one of those eco houses or something but it turns out that we were standing right on it and he opened his front door to see what all the stomping about was on his roof, saw me and just grabbed me and dragged me inside. I call it kidnapping but he said he was ‘stunned by my beauty’ and didn’t know what he was doing. Yeah right.

Anyway, it’s time to  feed Cerby his fresh meat (it fairly turns my gut but Hades insists) and take him for a ramble.

I’ll continue my little life story later and try and bring it all up date. Not sure about tomorrow as I’ve got an awful lot of cleaning up to do. This place is a dump, that’s for sure. Bye for now.

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A Fresh Start

I’ve been reading Dotty’s blog  (‘Mental and Loving it!’) lately so I decided, today of all days, to start up my blog. Its been sitting here for nigh on 3 yrs unused.  In these 3 years life has been full of the usual ups and downs that seem to go on forever but is just life, I suppose.  Anyway, I live between my Mum’s  and my husband’s place. My Mum is lovely and always trying to help with my husband and I’s relationship which is rather turbulent it has to be said.

His name is Hades (Jones) and his place is pretty dingy and unwelcoming and needs a good spruce up and redesign which I’m always working on and he’s always saying no to but i have to stay loyal to him even though I don’t get much say in where we live, who comes to visit, what furniture and paint schemes are allowed etcbloodyetc AND  his courtship was rather wham, bam, thank you ma’am. But more of that later. He calls his place Erebus, which is rather old-fashioned but a little joke between us.

My Mum’s place is beautiful, being full of plants and stuff – she really is the most green fingered woman I’ve ever met though one time she completely gave  up and everything died as she was a bit depressed. This is when I supposedly ran off with Hades – got dragged off more like – but, like I say I spend a great deal of time with her and it keeps me going.

I don’t have any kids, Hades isn’t keen, but I’d love to. Hades has a dog though called Cerby (show name Cerberus) who’s like a child to us and quite an unusual breed. A bit of a handful but a great guard dog.

I did have a god son but he died young. His name was Adonis and such a beautiful, charming little fellow. He came to stay while his mum went off on a trip and I just couldn’t give him back! Anyway, for a time he lived with us part-time as his mother, yes Aphrodite my half-sister  (who’s a bit of a trollop truth be told), wasn’t the most responsible of mothers and was  usually off with some new man in tow. I haven’t seen her for some time, so God knows what’s happened to her.

Anyway that’s me for now. I’ll post again when I’ve got time.

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