JK, Jezza, Jeremy, ‘Kyle’ (?) call him what you will but he knows his stuff. About people anyway, he’s not that great on Gods. The problem definitely is that they don’t follow ‘the rules’ of human nature. They sort of make them, if you know what i mean? They ARE the human rules – so being a mass of contradictions and extreme emotions is normal life for them. I mean, what would drive humans bonkers is just another day at the office for the Gods. My Mum’s one but, to be honest, we don’t really talk about it. She’s not big on all that ego celeb stuff.
Anyway, we got a phone call, the reception isn’t brilliant in Tartarus but what can you do? I have an iPhone which i don’t really need but i can’t seem to do without these days. It’s funny that after you get these things you don’t know how you did without them isn’t it? Technoaddicticmindfuck, i call it. There’s always something – look what happened when they discovered the wheel, i mean! Hades just won’t be bothered with a mobile. He says we all got along without phones perfectly well for eons and he just doesn’t see what good they do. It’s ok for him, though, what with all his messengers whizzing about the place.
So the people at ITV said we should get there the night before and stay in a hotel so we could get up early to have a briefing as to what to expect on the actual show. Hades said no, just tell us where and when and we’ll be there. And we were. I rather liked the idea of a hotel, it’s been quite a while since i have stayed in one and, of course, there isn’t one that can remotely compare to the divine palace on Mount Olympos. Oh my God that place is out of this world! (My little joke there :)). Anyway, when we go there we have to stay in the guest quarters because Hades wouldn’t have his own bit built for it even though the rest of them have their own home within it. Uncle V built most of it and what that guy can’t do with a hammer and anvil isn’t worth knowing. That husband of mine surely is a trial and no mistake.
So JK calls us out onto the stage. Well, me first. I could see Hades on the monitor glowering as per. Jeremy was a pleasant chap, if i was married to him I’d sort his ‘look’ out – more leather less polyester etc. He asked me what it was all about as in why was i there? It’s hard to know where to start with that sort of sensitive topic isn’t it? you can’t just wade in with ‘well, Jeremy, I think my husband might be my uncle’ can you? you have to just sort of get to it bit by bit.
Jeremy asked if I was ok and not to worry about the studio audience, and he complimented me on my white arms (which is sort of feature of mine and the correct thing to do). I wasn’t nervous to be honest, I live my life surrounded by all types so public speaking is about the only kind I do, but I didn’t say so because he’s very sweet and I didn’t want to diss him or his show.
Well, it turns out Jez had done his homework, or his minions had, so he sort of knew the story. Seen it all before, I suppose, he didn’t seem very shocked anyway. So we went through the whys and wherefores of it and why my Mum wasn’t there (too busy), why no one had told me, what i would do if it was true etc. I said I’d have to stick by my husband but i wanted the Truth. Which is true in itself.
So Jez calls Hades out onstage. The audience is booing and jeering but somehow quietly(?). Hades isn’t happy with this or even being there, obviously, and looks even more macho and choleric than usual so it’s all a bit scary for them. Jeremy wades right in with the ‘did you know any of this’ question? Hades just stared at him in disbelief that a human would even dare look back at him let alone in the eyes. That Jeremy really must have some hidden powers or something to be quite so in yer face with my hubby, I must say.
In the end Hades said ‘ It was my will and my desire to possess Persephone! By the Gods, you would do well to bide this warning’ and then banged his Scepter three times on the floor. Heavy shit….and Jeremy K laughed in his face!!! Oh my god, I wanted to run there and then because Hades doesn’t often give warnings, he doesn’t need to. He is master of one-third of the world, after all, and – lets face it – not the prettiest third.
JK didn’t seem moved at all by the warning and proceeded to put Hades down a bit more by shouting ‘ You think I’m scared of YOU? You sorry excuse for a man! You couldn’t even get a proper girlfriend so you had to kidnap Persephone, didn’t you? Force her to go out with you!’ and then shouted ‘What kind of man are you?!!’. Right into Hades’ face!
Well, you could see that Hades just wasn’t having it but he didn’t go all fire and brimstone , which is what you’d expect, he did his Scariest Thing – which is when you know the object of his disdain is going to be a pile of ash before long. What he did was he fixed JK with a look and very slowly, decisively and coldly cursed him!! I wanted to scream at JK ‘run! run!’ but I was in complete shock and just couldn’t seem to move.
Next, JK just smirked – ohmygod! – and turned his back on Hades. You could see him listening to his ear thingy and obviously one of his producers had said something because he changed his tactic after that, saying ‘Look, Hades, I realise you are a powerful man, and I don’t want to make an enemy of you, it’s just how this show works. You have to admit what you did was wrong, you have to take responsibility for your actions, mate’. Blah blah. Hades relaxed ever so slightly. Ohhh the relief! I nearly lost consciousness.
To cut a long story short, in the end Hades admitted he knew he was my uncle when he took me off and said it was because he couldn’t help himself, he had been smitten and not really thinking straight at the time and he was sorry he had just grabbed me but said you can’t change the past, that he did love me more than death itself, that it was mostly all because of his upbringing and that he would try to be a better deity in future.
But then he said he and my Mum had the same DAD….